Become the Office Superstar!

{ Dear Cookbook, I’m tired of everyone else getting credit at my workplace! How can I become the office superstar? Thanks, Martin

Well, Martin you’ve brought up a good point! Thanks to today’s tough economic times, the workplace is not what it used to be. It used to be that if you were a hard worker and the boss didn’t hate you, you’d probably get noticed for some of the work you do. Well, I’m sorry to tell you this, but times have changed and that’s just not the way that it works anymore. These days, the only way you are going to get noticed is if you become the “office superstar!” Because it’s not about how much work you do, but about how big your attitude is. So stop working so much, nobody notices anyways! Instead, take notes and learn how to become a superstar!

First things first, no more coming to work early and staying late. In fact, you have a whole new take on your work schedule. You are going to come to work late and leave early, EVERY DAY. Just like a real superstar or heir to a large fortune, your bosses don’t make the schedule – you do.

And when you do finally make it to work, don’t come alone. You’ll need to assemble your own entourage and have them accompany you. Make sure wherever you go, your entourage follows. There must be at least five other people with you at all times. It doesn’t even matter who it is, as long as you are the center of the group.

Once at work, demand that no box of donuts enters the workplace without you getting first pick. No one so much as looks at the donuts until you get to choose yours. This one is tricky, but if you are persistent, they will have no choice but to abide by it.

Oh, and don’t bother bringing your own lunch. There’s a refrigerator full of other people’s food. Each day, pick the one that looks best to you. Eat it about 30 minutes before anyone else takes lunch, all the while saying; “It isn’t the Four Seasons, but you can’t be picky around here.” Also, make sure to suggest to he or she who made “your” lunch, that they use better ingredients next time. You are a busy person, and simply don’t have the time for a lousy lunch.

Once you’ve finished “your” lunch, it’s time to leave. On the way out, smile and wave like a princess on a parade float. It is important to remind them how pretty you are. Smiling big and doing the princess wave will leave little room for doubt.

Now that you know the steps to becoming a superstar, make sure you follow them. Remember this is the new you, this is the you that get’s what you deserve!

Are you thinking about using some of this advice at your workplace?  Before you do, let’s take a gander at Jobless Johnny and Hireable Hank’s results:

Jobless Johnny took everything he read to heart. On Monday, he started coming into work late and leaving early. During a meeting on Tuesday, Johnny let his co-workers know that no box of donuts was allowed into the office without him getting first pick. Effective later that afternoon, all donuts were banned from his office. By Wednesday he assembled his own entourage with volunteers from a medical trial clinic next door. For obvious reasons, this didn’t go over well with his co-workers. Luckily they didn’t have to deal with this for much longer because by Thursday, Johnny had decided his bosses lunch was the best in the fridge. He was sent home permanently as soon as he showed up to work Friday ‘morning.’ Be sure to wave to Johnny if you see him in the unemployment line.

Hireable Hank on the other hand, realized that he needed to read between the lines of what was actually said in content above. He now comes to work early and is one of the last to leave everyday. While Hank liked the idea of having first choice when it came to donuts, he realized that demanding such a thing was infantile and would attract the wrong kind of attention. Luckily, Hank is a thinker and figured out it was much safer to volunteer to be the donut picker-upper. Now Hank gets his first pick of the donuts, without making a scene.

 

 

 

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