Only Suckers and Felons Volunteer

{ Dear Cookbook, I’m unemployed and can’t find a job. Should I think about doing some volunteer work in the meantime to add to my resume? Thank you, Stephen }

Honestly, Stephen? This is job seeker 101 stuff. If you don’t know the answer to this question, it’s no wonder you can’t find a job. Will volunteer work help get you a paying job? Absolutely not! If you are prepared to work for free, why would anyone pay you to work for them! They will offer you other non-paying positions but they will not offer you anything with a salary! It’s kind of like that saying, “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.” Are you picking up what I’m putting down, or do I need to be clearer?

Since the question you asked was asinine to begin with, and I’m not sure you really understand what I’m saying, ask yourself these three questions before you commit to any volunteer type positions:

1.) Do you want to be labelled as a sucker? Because that’s all your new resume will be saying about you. And nobody willingly hires a sucker. Unless of course, you are getting a job where a fall guy or scapegoat is needed. I’d be wary of those types of jobs in this economy, though. Because odds are it will only land you in a maximum security prison taking the rap for a Ponzi scheme or another such white-collar crime. Of course, this is if you are lucky, because if you end up working for the wrong kind of people, you might just get yourself a nice pair of cement shoes and a long walk off a short pier.

2.) Why would you want to meet all those needy people? And, I’m not talking about the poor people you’ll be helping out. I’m talking about the goody two shoes who volunteer.  Those people are annoying! They are always talking about the organizations they support, the animals they rescue and all the outdoor activities they do. Not to mention, they’ll yell at you if you don’t recycle. Who needs that kind of abuse?

3.) Are you trying to hide a prior criminal conviction? Perhaps, you need some more recent ‘volunteer’ work to add to your resume, so you can gloss over or hide those that are court mandated? Because that is the only acceptable reason for anyone to volunteer, anywhere. Period. Got it?

Unless you answered yes to that last question or want to take a long walk off a short pier, you should slap yourself upside the head for even considering volunteer work. It doesn’t take a historian to see that volunteer work has never done anything for the person doing the volunteering.

Are you thinking about using some of this advice to find a job? Before you do, let’s take a gander at Jobless Johnny and Hireable Hank’s results:

Jobless Johnny agrees whole heartily with the cookbook’s advice. He knows that working for free won’t help him get a real job, and knows that the blank spot on his resume will show a prospective employer just how badly he needs a job.

Hireable Hank however, is well versed in the cookbook’s wily ways. He now realizes that having a blank spot on his resume could count against him and he is looking into several volunteer opportunities in his community.




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