Change your mindset

{ Dear Cookbook, I wish I was still at my old job because I hate being unemployed! I’m also so depressed I could cry! Please help, Marvin }

We all know the economy sucks, so I won’t take anytime to sugarcoat what we have already agreed upon. What I will take a moment to touch on, is that letting your depression over the situation own you is not the answer. You can’t focus on the not working part, mostly because if you focus on it, it won’t go away. You know that cliché people say when they want you to leave them the hell alone? “If I ignore you, will you go away?” Well Marvin, this is the attitude you need to take with your unemployment.

Think I’m wrong? Then keep dwelling on your unemployment and see how bad your depression gets. Come back in a week and let me know how many panic attacks, crying fits and overall angry moments you’ve had. Odds are this number will be high, therefore you might as well listen to me to begin with. So Marvin, are you ready to read what I have to say about changing your mindset?

I thought so.

First of all, you need to stop saying you are unemployed. You are not unemployed, you are simply ‘pre-retired.’ After working for X number of years, you have decided that you want a taste of what retirement will be like. You are practicing your golf swing and learning how to play shuffleboard.

Second, you don’t miss your old job. Obviously the old job was not a successful one, so you can’t possibly miss it. Accepting this revelation means you’ve got to stop drunk-dialing your old boss. Think of your old job as a break-up. No matter how drunk or horny you get, getting back together is never a good idea. So stop spending time fantasizing about it!

Next, change your clothes, you are starting to stink. Plus, wearing the same clothes four days straight is just plain nasty. So get up and put some new clothes on. Then, I bet you’ll feel better. And once you have new clothes on, you’ll feel like you are going somewhere, instead of sitting at home twiddling your thumbs.

And lastly, leave the freaking house! You can even tell yourself you are going to a ‘new’ job. If you don’t have anywhere to go, then go to your front yard (or a near by patch of grass) and weed the area to make it look nice. While doing this, you can even pretend you are a gardener and you’re paying yourself for that day. This is doable since no actual money changes hand during the actual ‘work day.’ Therefore, you can pay yourself as much money as you want, because it evens out in the end!

Are you thinking about using some of this advice to change your mindset? Before you do, let’s take a gander at Jobless Johnny and Hireable Hank’s results:

Jobless Johnny agrees whole heartily with what the Cookbook said. In fact, he was saying he was retired way before the Cookbook even suggested it. He has completely ignored the fact that he is unemployed and spent the last two months golfing every minute of every day. Unfortunately, he really couldn’t afford his golf green fees, let alone any other bills, and had to pawn his golf clubs to pay the rent. Don’t worry about Johnny though, he was able to buy a red plastic “kiddie” golf set.  So even though his clubs are gone, he’s still enjoying his pre-retirement with great enthusiasm!

Hireable Hank never takes what the Cookbook says at face value. But even Hank had to admit this article had a point about not dwelling on being unemployed. While he doesn’t go around telling people he’s pre-retired, he has made a conscious effort to improve his attitude overall. Because Hank realizes that acting like a ‘Debbie-downer’ won’t help land him a new job.





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